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March 9th, 2008

09:20 am: My disease
What is wrong with me? Why can I not enjoy the simplicities of life? Oh, I know why...I have a disease and the disease wants me to be miserable and non functioning in the normalcy of everyday life. My disease wants me dead...however, it wants me to die a long, miserable and utterly painful death. My disease is sick....sicker than anything this world knows.

How did I get this disease? I am beginning to believe that I was born with this disease. It cannot be explained any other way. I have been dealing with this disease for as long as I can remember.

Is this disease curable? Absolutely not! My disease will be a part of my life till eternity. However, with God in my life, a God of my understanding, my disease can be treated. I must trust and turn my will over to God and know that I do not have to battle this wretched disease on my own.

This is a simple prayer I learned..."God, I offer myself to Thee...to build with me and to do with me Thou wilt. Relieve of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help Thy Power, Thy Love, Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!"

December 5th, 2007

10:21 am: I am at it again
My new obession, Casper. Casper, at this point, can go fuck himself! I would much rather say fuck me, but it is over, at least I hope. Casper has been my interest since Sue's birthday. We hooked up in Florida and we have been seeing each other since. Okay, so what is the problem? Casper has a girlfriend (not mention, that this bitch has a name -Gina-and a face!) and he has been with this "girlfriend" for 6 years!!!!! So, why have I let our sexual realtionship to continue when it is obvious that he is just using me? I will tell you... It is because I think that Casper will wake up one day and realize that I absolutely the most perfect woman in the whole entire world and that his girlfriend is a piece of shit and he will dump her ass. Well, that has not happened yet and I know for certain that it will NEVER happen!!!!
I tell myself over and over that I need to stop seeing and ulitimatley, shut himk out of life but I have not been able to bring myself to do it until the other day. Two full days have past since I last spoke to him. For some reason, I feel like that this is one of the hardest things I have had to do, which in a weird way is bizarre because lately I have been able to get over a guy almost instantaneously, as soon as they come into my life they fucking get right back out. But not this time. I cant seem to let him go. I have a million reasons why I should, or, in fact, need to let him go. I am trying so hard, and I do not think I am doing so bad considering that Casper and I have spoken at least 2-3 times a day (if not more) everyday since we hooked. WHat is even more bizarre is that I have counted, approximately, the number of times that is(which is a first). Calculations are as follows: 90 days (minimum) x 3 phone calls/day (if not more) =270 times (not to mention days upon days we have actually hung out). I think that this mathematical formula makes it clear that Casper and I, more or less, have a routine. I speak and see Casper more than I fuckin drop my pants to pee. I have allowed myself to grow rather comfortable in this siutation (entirely my fault) and I am used to him calling. For example, if He does not call me by a certain time in the day, I flip the fuck out, get panicky, and go insane. Now, as crazy as it sounds, I can not help but to feel that way, and I want that to end.
My decision to stop seeing him is not something new. Only after one week, I made an attempt to stop talking to him, reasons being his girlfriend, and the fact that I noticed I was beginning to have feelings for him. He insited that he liked me too and that even though I did not want to talk to him anymore, he was still going to call. I told him no and it worked, for less than 24 hours. Accidentally we ran into each other and then just like that we started seeing and talking to each other again.
So, as soon as we started to see each other again, I instantly began to regret it. About every week or so, I tell him that we need to stop and I let him convince me otherwise. It is funny because when I tell him I do not want to see him and list all the reasons why. I know that he does not need the satisfaction of my explanatios but, I must admitt that I tell him because I want him to know, believing that he will chnage the situation and put things in my favor. This is what I tell him...
1. He has a girlfriend, and I can not take the fact that she has precendence over me. To him, I am just a booty call, whether he wants to admitt it or not, and from experience, booty calls mean absolutely nothing. It does not help the situation any better that I am an Aries and a common Aries trait is the need to be first at all times, which I have no problem denying that I posses this trait. She comes first and it drives my nuts! Also, I am jealous of her, I have seen pictures of her and she is hot! That KILLS me! Between the both of us she is the better looking one and it eats me up inside. This last example leads me to this
2. How am I not good enough for him? If you put me on paper, I AM Perfect!!!! I am a hardowrker, intelligent and great to be around. So what is the problem? From previous discussions, Gina is a bitch, everyone hates her, especially his family and she is spoiled!!!! I am the exact opposite of this. The only thing she has going for her are her looks. But this is the picture that Casper has painted for me so maybe he wants me to believe this or rather wants himself to believe this so it justifies him cheating on her. So if all those points are true, why is he with her? I begin to over analyze and assume that he is shallow and is more concerned with beauty than personality and if that is true then I am not good looking enough for him and if that is true then I begin to feel ugly and then completely insecure with my looks. So why then would I wnat to be with someone that makes feel worse about myslef? this leads to...
3. If, I am linked with someone romantically, shouldn't this person make me feel on top of the world rather than a piece of shit? Casper, to say the least makes me feel like I am worth nothing. Its not that he verbally puts me down, its just the whole predicament that we are in makes me feel like garbage. He has a girlfriend and has made it clear that he is not giving her up and I can not stand it. Upon until the last few weeks, I have gone over high waters for this "man" to show him that I do and would do anything for him and yet, he gives me nothing. In fact, I can see it in his eyes that he is losing more and more interst in me. Before, he used to tell me he liked me too, now he doesnt even say that. At this point, he says nothing at all, and that makes me like I do not matter to him at all. The only thing I feel like is piece of ass...
4. Why, if I hate feeling like a piece of ass do I let myself continue to feel like a piece of ass? At first, my only response to this would have been is that the sex is phenominal and the moments that we are physically together are worth all the other moments of insanity, and feeling like I have no respect for myself, both mentallly and physically. NOw, I am jsut fed up... I hate it and do not want to feel like a slut anymore. If He is solely interested in my sexual capablilities then he should start paying for them.

January 18th, 2007

10:02 pm: Empty
I feel so empty inside. I am so sick of this feeling. As long as I can recall this empty feeling has been in the pit of my stomach. Why do I feel like this. Mostly every time, I would cry and sob uncontrollably when this feeling would come to the surface and consume my thinking. Now, I have learned to control the crying hysteria and just feel it, with no expression spilling out of me. When I feel it, it just sits there, and although I force myself to cry, it doesnt seem to want to come out, as if I have no tears left. I guess its because I have come to realize that crying will not help the emptiness that resides in me. Crying will not fix whats wrong. Crying will not fill the void. Crying no longer does anything any more. I guess I used to cry so I can feel sorry for myself, but that is not the case anymore. I have learned that crying does not solve problems, and you cant feel sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself does absolutely nothing. if I continue to harbor my issues, like this emptiness, I will not get anywhere. I just have to do it, whatever it is to get rid of this feeling. What is it that I have to do though to rid myself of this terrible feeling of emptiness? I have no idea. I wish I knew. Actually, I do know, and what I always thought it was, is not. I always thought that I needed another person in my life to make me feel better but, that cannot be true. Joann+A Man=Happy, is not true. In order to be happy, I must be content with myself. So, I have to do whatever it takes to make me happy. If that is going to fill my void, I am not sure, but at least I can try. Now that brings on a whole another issue, which I am sure I will write about in no time. But this empty feeling, do we all have it? I think we do, but why do I take it so personal. A friend of mine brought up a very interesting point. We were discussing happiness, and I told hime, that I was not always like this. I was sad most of the time. But he mentioned that I seem to be happy and giddy and always smiling. He then asked me a great question, something that has pondered my thoughts since. His question was, "is my happiness an act?" At first sight of the question, I was shocked, and I did not know how to answer. Because he was someone I was interested in, ,I did not want to say yes, it is an act. But then I realized, that it used to be all an act. Not so much anymore. Most days, I am happy, you just have to be and others I am not. But the good days has defintely surpassed the worst of them. I noticed that if I disguise this empty feeling it goes away and if I am lucky enough, the feeling does come and hit me that often. Eventually, I have gotten used to being happy and thats what I am most of the time. Is this the proper way to handle my feeling of emptiness, by pushing it aside? Is that what I am doing, putting it to the back of my head and not dealing with it? Am I running from it? Or, is it the right why to handle it? By ignoring it so I can make it diappear. But than again, even though I dont think about the empty feeling anymore, I still think it is there, everyday. Where ever I go, no matter what I do, its there and I think I have been choosing to disregard it and act like it does not exsist.

January 8th, 2007

10:24 pm: Why do I feel like this. Once again, I like somebody I cannot take anymore. When I was younger, Liking somebody usually possessed my mind and took over my whole life. The guy became my priority and I would forget about me. I would go out of my way to make myself available 24/7 for this person. If I had plans, I would alter them so I was more accessible had the guy want to see me. If friends call and want to hang out, I would deny their request if I thought that I would miss a phone call or an opportunity to hang out with my new interest. One perfect example would be was when I was 18, I had met this guy, we called Joe Q. Instantenously, Joe Q had become my world, my life. NO matter what I did, where I was or who I was with, I was sure to be at Joe Q's disposal. Heaven forbid if I was not at his beckon call. I wanted so bad for Joe Q to be a apart of my life that I forgot was really important in life, which was me. Eventually, I grew tired of waiting around for him and moved on. However, liking someone and having it take my whole life when I found a new interest has never ended. I have a pattern, and it is like a cycle that has become a part om me. It is always the same; I like someone, I make sure that I do my best to fullfill their requirements and be available at all times. I fully understand that this way of thinking and this behavior is unacceptable. However, it is almost 8 years later and I have hardly changed or made any improvements to alter my actions.
So my new interest's name is Tommy. Why I like him, I have no idea. It is probably because he has tons of potential. But I cant understand why that matters. Just becasue he has potential does not mean that he qualifies to takeover my mind. I should be focusing on more important things, like school, my health, correcting my disturbing obsessive behavior. I want to quit smoking ciagarettes, I want to start working out and eating healthy again, I want to work more and make more money, but I just cant seem to get myself to pay attention to what matters most.
The other night, Tommy and I had tentative plans. I am not one for plans that are up in the air, so I decided that it would be best if we make time to hangout and nite. But of course, thier has been no initiative taken by him to produce a night when we could get together.
As always, I over think everything. He is busy, and I am not so I think that he doesnt want to see me, but that is not the case at all. He does like me and I know it, so why I am so tense and skeptical about our relationship?
I just dont get. I am so worried about tomorrow that I rather sleep the day away than have it stick in my head. I cant take it. There is no reason why I should do this to myself. I should be having fun and going out and meeting tons of other men who could be also have potential.
It is sooooo bad that I am actually writing about it to vent my frustration, ander, anxiety and nervousness about the whole situation. There is nothing to be worried about, yet, I feel fear.
At the present moment, I should be concentrating on my reading assignment for my womens study class, but as always, I am online, checking my MYspace for a reply message I sent him only 5 hours ago. What happen to my patience? Why cant I not give fuck?
I dont want to think about him anymore. I want to move on, I want to e able to go about my day as if he doesnt exsist. If he calls, he calls, it should not be a big deal, but its not turing out like that. I know if he calls, my whole world will stop and the next thing that will posses my mind is what move I am going to make next, like when should I call him and return his phone call and I wonder what our phone conversation is going to be like? Other thoughts like, is he going to profess his feelings for me, is he going to ask moe out, all cross my mind.
Why am I rushing things with him, or for that fact with any guy that I like. I hate it. All I do is talk about them to everybody. I discuss every detail like it is so important, like the other person I am tellling truly gives a fuck.
I can not take it anymore!!!!
I hope I wake up tomorrow and this will all be over!!! I hope that writing and expressing my feelings has helpled me some. I pray for my life cause there will be one day that this will eat me alive.

December 10th, 2006

10:34 pm: Thanksgiving #37
On Thanksgiving afternoon, I began writing a journal entry. Dinner time cam however, and I never got a chance to finish what I was writing. It has been over 3 weeks and I just realized that I never finished writing it. Unfortunatley, I have had a difficult time to continue where I left off. I do not remember clearly what my train of thought was for that day, therefore I cannot effectively make the point I was trying to make. Instead of making up an ending, I am still going to post it. I am proud of most of what I wrote, and hopefully one day, I will be able to pick up where I left off.

The last Thursday of every November of every year, Americans celebrate a holiday that is all about giving thanks and appreciating all that we have. It is a day we dedicate to acknowledge all that we are grateful for. We gather together to pray. It does not matter who you are, what race you are a part of, or what religion you belong to, all that matters is that you have a conscience, a heart and most importantly, that you are American.

One can have gratitude for entirely different reasons then another. I, for one, am grateful that I have two parents who do all they can to make sure I am happy and healthy. They put a roof over head, they put food in mouth and they pay for my education. They put me before they put themselves and they literally break their backs to do so.

There are those that can be grateful for their family, their job, their dentist, their health, their boss, their dog, their body, their happiness, their computer, their success, their goldfish, their music, their wealth, their Manolo’s, or even their elevator. I never thought that someone can be grateful for an elevator, but as I witnessed on MTV’s The Barker’s,” the couple’s little daughter expressed at a Thanksgiving dinner that she was thankful for the elevator in her house. Classic That is awesome The reasons for giving thanks is endless. You can be grateful for just about anyone or anything.

Recognizing that you are grateful is easy. We all know that we should be gratuitous for things but do we all understand what it really means. I say that I am grateful, but do I really feel and appreciate it? It sounds easier then it seems. I believe it goes beyond the words “Thank You,” far beyond the celebration with parades and turkey dinners. I believe it is a completely different level of thought, feeling and expression , and I do not believe that the majority of the people on this earth have the capacity to be real like this.

This all occurred to me this morning. This year I made a vow to volunteer to help feed the homeless. In late October, I submitted an application at the Bowery Mission Center. I was lucky enough to get a response accepting my application.

Thanksgiving morning had arrived and I was ecstatic that I was volunteering. When I arrived at the Bowery Mission center, I was placed in the Outreach Program. Our group was to travel to Port Authority and set up tables outside to pass out food. It was raining, windy and extremely cold, yet, I stood outside and volunteered my time to give others what I am fortunate to have every year.

I was overwhelmed with feelings. I thought I was going to be this super-hero that was saving they day by volunteering my time, however, that was not the case at all. I really felt useless. I was not the only person that was sharing their time to help others and I was not that super-hero after all.

02:20 pm: (A) Hidden Fear #36
The past few years, I have been trying to mend my relationship I have with my family, but mostly with my parents. At one point in my life, I had completely cut ties with my parents and had shut them out of my life. I did not want anything to do with them. I also did not want them knowing any part of business. I just did my thing with or without their approval because I did not care about their opinion. I had totally disregarded and dismissed them from my life.

It was not until I golt older and began maturing that I realized that I did want my parents apart of my life. So I began opening up to them. It took time, but eventually, I had warmed up to them and allowed them to get involved in my business and personal life. It was not until recently that I had noticed that my parents were, are and have always been a huge part of my life. I tell them pretty much everything, except any intimate relationships that I encounter with boys, and they know just about everything, and I now I like it like that.

My mom monitors every move I make anyway, and although, It used to drive me absolutely insane, I know greatly appreciate it. Since I have returned to school, it is now more than ever I realized how much I really do need my parents. They help me financially and that is super important to me. My mom such a sweet old lady that she is, lends me money, that I know I will never have to pay back, all the time. Often, I ask her to make me breakfast or lunch, and without hesitation, she will do as I requested. My mom, still does my laundry . What is better than that?

With all this said, I do not know what I would do if my parents were no a part of my life. I greatly fear what will happen when they are not around. Whenever I am sticky situation, they are always there, to get me out! I have learned that I am very fortunate to have them. There are people out there that have no idea what its like to have parents, let alone, two of them and I do not ever want to let mine go! I fear that I will not be able to make it without their help. I have to grow up sometime, but I really do like the way things are.

December 9th, 2006

10:49 am: Highway Robbery #35
Way back in April of 2006, the 14th to be exact, the day before my 25th birthday, I was pulled over at a 3am in Astoria for speeding. I had gone out to grab a drink with my girlfriend because she was leaving for Florida and I was not going to see her for my birthday. I only had two glasses of wine and it was about two hours before I got into my car to head back home. I was not at all drunk or even the least bit tipsy.

So, I was headed east on the Grand Central service road and traveling about 50 miles an hour. I had passed a Funeral Home and in the parking lot, I had noticed a police vehicle parked, with its headlights off, waiting in the parking lot. I had figured that it was late at night and that because there was nobody else on the road that I was in the clear and there would be no reason for me to be extra cautious and slow done. Well, I thought wrong and the police vehicle pulled out of the parking lot put his headlights and sirens on and forced me to pullover.

When the officer approached my vehicle, he questioned if I knew how fast I was going because he said that I was going about 50 miles and hour. I had replied that I was definitely going over 30 but nowhere near 50. He asked me for my license and registration and then headed back to his car. Sure enough, he came back with a speeding ticket. Now, I was just a tad bit disappointed that I received the ticket because my record just cleared up with my insurance company and I knew that it was only months before my insurance would drop. However, I was not at all prepared for what came next when I examined the ticket more closely.

When you receive a ticket, it is obvious that you will be charged a fine, so I was o with that. What I was not ok with was the surcharge they add on for receiving the ticket. Is that not ballsy? My ticket was going to total $140. I was extremely disappointed and incredibly upset that I was going to have to pay such a fine that almost immediately I started to break down and cry in my car. It was probably about 15 minutes or so that I regrouped myself together and started driving again.

How the fuck was I going to afford this ticket? I thought to myself over and over. How could I be so stupid not to slow down? I saw the car, I could have very easily stepped on my brake!! All these thoughts repeatedly played in my head my whole ride home. I do not even know how I got home safely that night because I was not even paying attention to the road since my mind was occupied with all these thoughts.

Well, I replied not guilty to the ticket and I was to appear before the court on November 22. I was really hoping that the officer was not going to appear in court that day or that he would have lost all his notes so that my charge would be dismissed but of course that was all wishful thinking because I was found guilty and expected to pay the fine within two weeks.

I was devastated and absolutely crushed. By this point, I was ok with having to pay a fine but the question that harbored my thoughts was how I was going to pay this fine. I am a full time college who earns pennies each week. I live at home with my parents and they support me financially. My parents have a hard time giving me money as it is becuase I am an adult who should be taking care of herself, so how was I going to ask them for money for something that was completely my fault and could have been avoided had I been more responsible. I had pleaded with the judge and asked if it was at all possible if I could split of charges in at least two or three payments and he said "NO!" The audacity, I knew I was guilty but give me a break! I was willing to pay my fine but I knew I was not going to be able to do so in one shot.

What was troubling me most about the whole situation was that I was charged si much money for this ticket. Why, if I am getting an astronomical amount of points tacked on to my license(4 to be exact) that I should be charged not only a speeding ticket fee but also a surcharge. What the hell is that shit? A surcharge, for what? Whats even more disturbing is that the surcharge is even more than the fine itself! Now that is nauseating!!! What on earth is a surcharge and why does the DMV feel the necessity to add it on!

To say the least, I did pay the fine last Wednesaday but only because my mom practically made me. If I refused to pay, my license would have been suspeneded for however long it would take me to pay. If I wanted to get my license back, I would than have to pay an additional $35 to reinstate my license privelages. i would have rather gotten my license suspended cause in the end, I could care less. I do not even drive my car anyway.

To get my license back, it would have cost me an entire paycheck! Isnt that a good laugh! I already work to pay for my car, now I guess I would have to work to have a license as well. I always wondered where the term highway robbery comes from, now I know!

08:57 am: How Did I Get Here(B)...... #34
Getting here today was simple. Every morning, I travel into the city and every morning my destiniation is the usually the same, so therefore, I usually take the same route. I travel into the city to go to school and to go to work. Today, my first and only destination was school, which is Hunter College. Hunter College is located on the upper east side.

When I leave my house, I walk approximately three blocks to catch the Long Island Railroad from the Little Neck Statioin. This train ride is about 32-35 minutes long. The Railroad takes me to Pennsylvania Station which is on the 34th street on the west side. So, from Penn Station, I take the 1,2, or 3 uptown to 42nd street, Times Square. From here, I take the Shuttle, which takes me crosstown to 42nd st Grand Central Station. From here, I hop on the 6, which goes uptwon three stops. The third stop is where I get off becasue it is the Hunter College stop, which is 68th st and Lexington Ave. This stop is super convienant because it is on the same corner of my school. I do not have to walk very far to get to school was I arrive at this stop.

The whol train, door to door, is on average 55 minutes to an hour and 5 min. And that is how I got here today.

December 4th, 2006

12:51 pm: Normal #33
It is so funny cause I was catching up on one of my favorite shows Dexter on showtime and the last episode I watched discussed normalcy. How appropriate, I had a free write on Normal and what better than to write about Dexter.

So Dexter, the main character, wants to live a normal life, he wants to be normal, more importantly, he wants to feel normal. Normal is important to Dexter because he grew up differently than most children. Dexter is different because he has secret that no one knows about. Dexter is a serial killer, but if this makes any sense, he is serial killer with only good intentions (which if I get a moment will get back to his good intentions).

Dexter was adopted when he was a little boy by a couple. This couple also had their own daughter Debra. Anyway, Dexter, before getting adopted must have had a disturbed upbringing because when he is placed under the care of his new foster parents, Dexter has been desensitized and detached. Dexter has no feelings and can show no emotion but does not know why. Eventually, Dexter reveals this dark side to his foster father Harry.

At an early age, Dexter also made the discovery that he had the ability to kill. There were never any intentions why he killed but he just did it. At first, Dexter is only murdering animals, it was not until that he matured and developed skills that he moved onto adults. It is ironic to say that Dexter developed skills but he actually did with the help of Harry. Dexter also revealed this dark secret to Harry as well. So Harry made sure that he would teach Dexter to kill only those that deserved to be killed.

Harry gave extra special attention to Dexter and made sure he properly taught him to act and behave certain way. He also taught Dexter how to kill someone without getting caught. Dexter grew up by playing a part, because he faked being happy, he faked being sad, and he faked gratitude and compassion. Botton line, Dexter did whatever he had to do act the same as everyone else to make sure that he would not stand out as being different. He had to be certain that no one would be on to him.

By the time Dexter is a mature adult, he begins to seem conflicted. It seems as though he never really accepted that he is a serial killer and all he really wants to do is stop pretending and just be normal.

December 2nd, 2006

09:15 am: How did I get here (A)..... #32
I am sitting in this English class because I want to be here. After many years of indecisveness, I had finally decided that I would want to attend school so I can learn. At first, my only concern was getting my undergraduate, now my primary reason is for gaining knowledge, experience, discipline and social skills. All the reasons make me want to better myself as a functioning human being in today's society.
The road I have taken here has not all been so easy. I have a constant struggle with picking my goals and adhering to them. I have almost given up a countless number of times but I have come to learn and understand that quitting is not an option, for if I quit, I will only fall behind and then eventually it will be harder to catch up.
It took me seven years to finally decide that I would return to school full time. Making that decision was the best thing I have ever done. The experiences that I have encountered along the way have been worthwhile.

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